Getting married or not

Glass Rocks!

Not a statement about the absolute amazingness of the material I work with, actually. A statement about what I made tonight. I made 3 glass 'rocks' as part of a new series. I am planning on etching or sandblasting them. I made several different kinds and parts for making more.

I also made my first form with my new photosensative glass this morning. It's a big experiment. I'm going out to take pictures tomorrow, and hope to get good material to put on the glass. I'm looking for very textural stuff to start with I think.

Oh, and I'm not mad anymore. At least, not at the moment, and not *as* angry. We'll see how class goes tomorrow....

People aren't always what you want them to be.

It was kind of a sucker-punch. Normally I have my guard up at the studio - I wear my duckskin (developed slowly over three years in retail purgatory) so the frustrations slide off with just a little shake. I know certain people at the stucio are complainers, and tho I get upset, usually I don't take it personally. HeebieJeebie can yell at me all he wants and sure, I'll be irate for a few hours, but I don't think it makes me a bad person. Like I said, my guard is up and everything's fine.

Except that with a few people I leave myself wide open because I know it's safe. I know they are the good eggs and everything's peachy. That trust kind of kicked me a bit last night when I asked for a small favor from a trusted friend and received a curt, offended, backhanded 'no' where I had anticipated a 'no problem.' The worst part of it is that it caught me by surprise and I reacted badly - one of those childish knee-jerk reactions followed by sulking and pouting. I'm better than that, and so it just kept compounding itself because I was mad about the situation, and mad at myself for being upset by it, and so even more mad and more upset and so on...

I couldn't sleep. It was 3am and I was still trying to calm myself down. I couldn't stop thinking about it - both being upset by the attitude from somebody who I thought was a better person than he acted like last night, and being embarrassed by my own childishness in letting it get me so irrationally angry. I'm still humiliated that I threw a full-on fit in front of a studio full of people. Ok, ok, so my idea of a fit is probably normal people's idea or venting a little frustration, but whatever it was, it was not professional. It was not adult. I'm not able to justify it by claiming I'm an artist and we are notoriously emotional basket-cases. No excuses - I screwed up.

Here's my internal conflict: my having screwed up and behaved badly does not justify or nullify the words and actions of the offending friend, but I don't want to bring it up because I'm too embarrassed by my own behavior. I'm still hurt. I'm still angry. I still feel like at the outset of the situation I was right and he was wrong, or at least I was motivated by the greater good and he was, well, being a selfish bastard. I want to talk about it. I don't know how to talk about it. I don't necessarily want you to tell me how to talk about it - I just need to work through it.

So far, I've come up with this - people are not always what you want them to be. I want my friends to be generous, but maybe they aren't. And maybe that's okay that they aren't, and they are still my friends. But maybe it isn't okay and they aren't my friends. I just don't know.

I'm not going to get into an analysis of flaws in my current and past friends, but I am going to say that all of my friends have flaws. I have them too. Big, ugly flaws that I wish I could fix about myself but I can't. Usually I say to myself, "Yes, my friend 'Z' is irresponsible, but he's still my friend."

I don't have friends who are selfish. I don't like selfish people. Arrogance I'm fine with - I better be or i'm going to have some problems with my self-image. Even self-absorption I handle just fine. Be the center of your own world - that's natural and understandable.

But share.

Seriously, it it's no damage or inconvenience to you to provide the solution to somebody's problem by offering up something that costs you NOTHING, than share. Help. Encourage. Be a member of the community. Work for the common good. Don't ever let me hear you, an adult, whine and sulk and cry because some other kid wants to play with YOUR toy unless there's a reason they shouldn't play with it.

Because it's fragile - it's expensive - it's a precious heirloom memento from your great grandfather - all acceptable reasons not to share.

It's MINE. Not a good reason. That's the reason my 5 year old niece wails at the top of her lungs at christmas when her 3 year old sister touches her toys. If you're going to be stingy, at least get an adult vocabulary about it.

I'm sure there are those out there who disagree and feel that a person should have every right to decide who plays with their toys. Fine - yes, you're right. You have the right to decide. But I have the right to feel like you are stingy and selfish and small if you can't come up with a better reason than "MINE!"

Ok. Tirade done. G'night.